Okay folks, let’s get into the digital dumpster fire that is America’s latest border security plot twist. Imagine this. You’re a British tourist dreaming of yellow cabs and Broadway shows. You’ve packed your Union Jack fanny pack and practiced saying “y’all” ironically. Then you discover Uncle Sam wants to comb through five years of your Instagram thirst traps before approving your trip. Not just your handle, mind you. We’re talking full forensic analysis of every vague tweet, cringe TikTok, and that one LinkedIn post where you pretended to care about blockchain. Suddenly that $40 ESTA fee feels like paying for the privilege of getting cyber strip searched.

Now let me tell you why this has me doing my best impression of a boiling tea kettle. Back in 2017, I watched a French friend nearly get denied entry because border agents found her retweet of a Trump meme from 2015. Actual dialogue. “This tweet mocks American leadership,” said the stone faced agent. “Yes,” deadpanned my friend, “it also mocks French leadership. We are equal opportunity mockers.” She got through, but barely. Now imagine that scenario times a million when junior CBP officers start playing Sherlock Holmes with your decade old Facebook rants about kale salads.

Here’s the spicy irony sauce. While Washington pearl clutches about foreign influence, Congress still hasn’t passed a federal data privacy law. Your local pizzeria has better encryption standards than some government databases. Remember that massive Office of Personnel Management hack in 2015 that leaked 21 million people’s security clearance files? Yeah, maybe fix your own digital house before demanding tourists’ MySpace passwords.

And can we talk about the bureaucratic absurdity here? We’re expanding social media screening despite multiple Government Accountability Office reports, including a 2023 beauty, showing these reviews rarely flag legitimate threats. Meanwhile, actual bad actors just create burner accounts. It’s like putting a biohazard scanner on your front door while leaving the back porch stacked with unmarked uranium.

The travel industry’s reaction? Let’s just say it’s the same energy as that gif of Michael Scott screaming “NOOOOO.” Over 20 tourism giants wrote a frantic letter last November pointing out that America already makes international visitors feel about as welcome as raccoons at a bird feeder. The World Cup could become the Won’t Come tournament if this drops before 2026. I’ve worked hospitality gigs. When you turn away the guy who just spent $2k on Vegas show tickets because he retweeted Cardi B in 2021? That’s how small businesses become parking lots.

Don’t get me wrong. National security matters. But demanding parents’ birthplaces smacks of that 2017 “birthright questionnaire” nonsense that got smacked down in court. And let’s not pretend there won’t be inconsistent enforcement. German grandma posting strudel recipes? Full audit. Saudi prince funding extremist think tanks? Welcome to Mar-a-Lago, sir!

Here’s what really boils my blood as someone who grew up near the Canadian border. People forget that these policies trickle down into our communities. My cousin married an Irish guy who almost canceled their Niagara Falls honeymoon over fears his punk band’s 2017 “Down With Capitalism” YouTube video would get flagged. That’s romance in the surveillance age, baby.

But check this plot twist. While they’re busy chasing tourist tweets, real vulnerabilities get ignored. Like how Customs and Border Protection admitted in 2022 that their own employees illegally snooped on celebrities’ travel records thousands of times. But sure, grill a Spanish teenager about their finsta.

Here’s my modest proposal. Instead of harassing tourists, let’s have elected officials release their own five year social media histories. Imagine the chaos if we could scroll through Mitch McConnell’s TikTok drafts or AOC’s burner account. Sparkle motion emojis for everyone.

Look. We live in messy times. But blocking visitors over edgy memes won’t make us safer. It’ll just make us poorer, lonelier, and less interesting. America’s magic has always been its wild energy, not its paranoid bureaucracy. So maybe ease up on treating tourists like cyber criminals. Unless they’re posting pineapple pizza takes. Then by all means, deport immediately.