I remember when Netflix mailed DVDs in those little red envelopes. They were David fighting Hollywood’s Goliaths. Now they’re preparing to swallow Warner Bros whole and I’m supposed to applaud because apparently monopolies are pro worker now. Color me skeptical.

Watching Netflix CEOs Ted Sarandos and Greg Peters wax poetic about 'protecting jobs' feels like listening to a vampire promise sun protection tips hours before sundown. These two spent the past decade upending entertainment economics faster than you could binge Tiger King. Now they’re dressing a hostile takeover as altruism and frankly, even the Baldwin brothers couldn’t sell this plot twist.

Let’s address the theatrical elephant in the room first. Netflix swears they’ll preserve Warner Bros’ theatrical model exactly as is. For those keeping score, that’s the same Netflix who shortened theater windows so aggressively they made AMC executives develop stress ulcers. Netflix considers theaters like I consider raccoons avoidable until circumstances force interaction.

I saw this coming three years ago when Netflix bought Egyptian Theatre in Los Angeles while insisting streaming wouldn’t kill cinemas. Buying a historic theater while gutting theatrical windows redefined theatrical as theater. Now they want us believing their roadshow pivot is sincere because Warner releases 'deserve proper handling.' Please. This isn’t respect, it’s strategic asset hoarding.

Then there’s their jobs pledge. Let me jog your memory. When Disney bought Fox, 4,000 jobs vanished faster than Chapek’s CEO tenure. AT&T spun off WarnerMedia two years into ownership after stripping it like a junkyard Mustang. Now Netflix claims merging a 16,800 employee studio into their 13,000 person workforce will create opportunities, not overlap. Basic math suggests someone’s being creative with accounting.

But the real hypocrisy lives in their new love for Warner’s third party licensing model. Netflix built their fortune taking shows off rivals. When Friends left Netflix for HBO Max, Sarandos griped its 'valuable IP' shouldn’t vanish from their platform. Now that same man pledges HBO will keep selling shows elsewhere. Translation once they own these golden geese, the eggs won’t be shared freely with other nests.

Consolidation masquerades as consumer choice better than any late informercial product. 'Look how many shows we’ll have' distracts from 'look how little competition remains.' Warner Bros discovery represents Batman movies pitted against Stranger Things in viewer attention. But under one roof, that battle becomes internal politics. How long until Netflix prioritizes Harry Potter spinoffs over risky prestige dramas arguing over algorithms.

Meanwhile Paramount’s David Ellison arrived waving a 108 billion dollar counteroffer like a desperate Bachelor contestant. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t validating Netflix’s worst instincts. Two streaming giants cudgeling each other for assets like rich kids at a silent auction while creatives wonder whose jobs become collateral damage. None address the fundamental question does entertainment need another megamerger or simply sustainable models.

The human cost gets buried beneath shareholder letters every time. Warner Bros and HBO employees in Burbank are drafting contingency plans like 2020 deja vu. The artists and craftspeople who survived AT&T’s disastrous corporate experiments now face theoretical job protection from a company whose algorithm famously can’t distinguish between actual films and whatever Adam Sandler made last summer.

Remember Quibi Exactly. Investors threw 1.75 billion at short form videos before realizing people won’t watch prestige content between grocery runs. Netflix understands engagement scales better than anyone, but managing creative institutions requires different muscles. Their track record nurturing creative ecosystems amounts to throwing money at talent until problems vanish. That works until the checkbook closes.

Let’s discuss market stability. Five years ago, Hollywood had six major studios. Acquiring Warner would leave three streaming conglomerates controlling 80% of scripted television. Monopolies never have history problems said no economist ever. Netflix touting competition sounds like Goliath warning about David’s small arms collection.

The sick irony Netflix now positions itself as the old guard protector against Paramount’s hostile bid. Players who once disrupted now wear establishment robes fighting newer insurgents. Merrily they pivot while burning bridges faster than California wildfires.

Here’s my prediction. If this deal closes, Warner’s theatrical slate survives exactly two fiscal quarters before Netflix declares theater first policies outdated. Film jobs will purge around director level where duplication exists. TV licensing shrinks as Netflix hoards IP for their platforms and Stranger Weapons or Wednesday By Candlelight become unfortunate crossover events. Consumer prices will rise six months post merger claiming expanded content libraries justify hikes. Wall Street cheers. Artists weep. Hollywood recasts itself again. The show must go on, even when the script makes progressively less sense.